1 Unraveling the Roots of Toddler Tantrums

Before we delve into taming tantrum tactics, let’s first explore the underlying reasons behind these emotional outbursts:

1. Lack of Language Skills: Toddlers often lack the vocabulary and communication abilities to express their wants, needs, and feelings effectively. When these emotions overflow, they spill forth in the form of crying, screaming fits, and physical expressions of frustration.
2. Desire for Independence: As your little one blossoms into their own unique individual, they’re simultaneously developing a burgeoning sense of autonomy and a fierce desire to “do it myself!” Tantrums can erupt when this newfound independence clashes with limitations or parental guidance.
3. Frustration Tolerance: Small frustrations that may seem inconsequential to adults can feel monumentally overwhelming to a toddler still learning emotional regulation skills.
4. Fatigue and Hunger: Low energy levels and hunger pangs can quickly erode a toddler’s ability to keep their emotions in check, making meltdowns more likely.

2 The Great Debate: To Ignore or Not to Ignore?

You’ve likely heard the age-old advice to ignore attention-seeking tantrums, under the premise that withholding the desired reaction will eventually extinguish the behaviour. And in some cases, this approach can be effective – particularly when dealing with minor whining or fussing. However, ignoring isn’t always a viable or advisable option, especially during intense public meltdowns or when your child’s emotional needs are heightened.

Moreover, dismissing or minimising big feelings can often exacerbate the situation, leaving your little one feeling misunderstood and unheard. A more gentle, compassionate approach? Staying calm and present while the storm rages, offering comfort and validation if appropriate, but avoiding giving in to demands or rewarding the behaviour.

3 Gentle Tactics for Taming Toddler Tantrums

When the tears and screams hit full force, it’s natural to feel overwhelmed and at a loss for how to respond. Fear not, weary parent – here are some positive discipline techniques to add to your tantrum-taming toolkit:

• Distractions and Redirection: For minor whines and fussing, quickly changing the subject with a new activity, book, or snack can often nip a tantrum in the bud before it gains momentum.

Examples:

• If your toddler starts to fuss over putting on their shoes, you could redirect their attention by saying, “Oh look, here’s your favorite book! Let’s read this together before we go outside.”
• If your little one is having a hard time transitioning from playtime to mealtime, try distracting them with a silly song or game as you walk to the table.

• Naming and Validating Emotions: Saying something as simple as “I see you’re feeling really mad/sad/frustrated right now” can work wonders in helping your child feel seen and understood, allowing the big emotions to pass more quickly.

Examples:

• “You’re feeling really upset because you didn’t want to stop playing. I know, it’s frustrating when things don’t go your way.”
• “It looks like you’re feeling angry that your brother took your toy. It’s okay to feel that way, but we don’t hit or throw things.”

• The Power of a Hug: If your child will accept it, a simple embrace can provide immense comfort and closeness when they’re in the throes of a meltdown. The warmth and security of your arms can be a powerful salve for turbulent emotions.
• Identifying the Trigger: Often, tantrums stem from basic needs like hunger, fatigue, or overstimulation. If you notice your child starting to unravel, try offering a snack, quiet time, or a chance to rest before they reach the boiling point.

Examples:

• If your toddler is starting to get cranky and whiny after a long day of playdates and errands, it could be a sign that they’re simply overtired and in need of a nap or some quiet cuddle time.
• If your little one is having a hard time transitioning from one activity to the next, they may need a snack break to refuel and reset.

4 Weathering the Storm: Tactics for Intense Meltdowns

Sometimes, despite your best efforts and intentions, tantrums reach epic, seemingly uncontrollable proportions. When these intense emotional storms strike, consider the following strategies:

1. Take a Break: If the situation feels unsafe or overwhelming, calmly remove your child to a quiet, comfortable spot where they can ride out the tantrum. Remember to breathe deeply yourself and resist the urge to match their intensity.
2. Use Your Words: In a soothing, gentle voice, describe what you see happening: “You’re feeling really upset because you didn’t want to stop playing. I know, it’s frustrating when things don’t go your way.”
3. Reinforce Positive Behaviour: After the storm has passed, offer sincere praise and acknowledgment when your child begins to calm down and regain control: “Thank you for taking those deep breaths. I know it’s hard, but you’re doing a great job calming your body.”
4. Model Accountability: If you find yourself losing your cool or raising your voice during a tantrum, take a moment to model accountability by sincerely apologising to your child. “I’m sorry for yelling. I’ll try to stay calmer next time.”

5 Proactive Prevention: Building Resilience and Reducing Tantrums

While you’ll never eliminate tantrums entirely (they’re an inevitable part of toddlerhood), consistency and proactive measures can help provide your child with the security, skills, and resilience needed to experience fewer epic meltdowns:

Stick to Routines: A predictable schedule and set of expectations allows your toddler to feel safe, secure, and in control of their environment, reducing the likelihood of tantrums born from uncertainty or overstimulation.

Offer Choices: Giving your child age-appropriate either/or options – “Would you like apple or banana for a snack?” – fosters a sense of autonomy and helps them feel heard and respected. This simple act of offering choices can go a long way in preventing power struggles and tantrums that often arise from a toddler’s desire for independence.

Reinforce Positive: Behaviour Praise and acknowledge good behavior you want to see more of, while ignoring minor whining or fussing if possible. Positive reinforcement is a powerful tool.

Examples:

• If your toddler is sharing their toys nicely with a friend, be sure to praise that behaviour: “I’m so proud of you for sharing your toys so kindly with your friend!”
• If your little one is using their words to express their feelings instead of lashing out physically, make sure to acknowledge and reinforce that positive behaviour.

Practice Calming Techniques: Teaching your toddler simple calming strategies like deep breathing, counting, or engaging their senses can equip them with vital emotional regulation skills for life’s big feelings. You could even make a game out of practicing these techniques during calm moments, so that they become second nature when the big emotions strike.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Dealing with toddler tantrums and meltdowns is, undoubtedly, one of the most challenging aspects of parenthood. But take heart, fellow mums – this too shall pass. As your little one continues to grow and develop their emotional intelligence and communication skills, these intense emotional outbursts will become less frequent and less intense.

In the meantime, remember to be gentle with yourself and your child during these trying times. You’re both learning and growing together, and with patience, consistency, and a whole lot of love, you’ll weather these storms and emerge even stronger as a family.

6 Mum’s Tantrum-Taming Checklist

✔️ Stay calm and take deep breaths.

✔️ Validate your child’s feelings with words and hugs.

✔️ Identify and address any underlying needs (hunger, fatigue, etc.).

✔️ Offer choices and distractions when appropriate.

✔️ Remove your child to a quiet space if needed.

✔️ Use a gentle, soothing voice.

✔️ Praise and reinforce positive behaviour.

✔️ Model accountability if you lose your cool.

7 Toddler’s Calming Techniques Checklist

✔️ Take deep breaths

✔️ Count to 10

✔️ Squeeze a squishy toy

✔️ Listen to a calming song

✔️ Ask for a big hug

✔️ Look at a favourite book

✔️ Drink some water

✔️ Tell mummy how you feel

8 Book Recommendations